Everybody Leaves: Why Atlanta fans can relate to Matt Saracen

Shut up! Shut up! You don’t care about me, you left me for a better job! Your daughter left me for a better guy! Carlotta left me for Guatemala, and my dad left me for a damn war! EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!

What’s wrong with me?

That’s the heart-wrenching transcript of this scene from the show Friday Night Lights, which if you haven’t seen, you should, as it’s probably the best sports-related TV show since The White Shadow, and one of the more underrated shows of the last decade. For poor Matt Saracen, the QB of the fictional Dillon Panthers, it’s a justified reaction.  Everybody does leave him. His girlfriend, his other girlfriend, his coach, his father, they all leave him.  Everyone but his grandmother, suffering from dementia and unable to look after herself.  For two solid seasons, we feel sorry for Matt, but he refuses to feel sorry for himself.  Episode after episode, he handles his overwhelming responsibilities, to his coach, to his town, to his family, with a stone-cold demeanor, refusing to crumble.

That’s what makes the “EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!” scene in the bathtub such a harrowing moment. Saracen, the nice boy with way too much on his plate, finally realizes that he should feel sorry for himself, as his life pretty much sucks.

While Atlanta sports fans don’t have it quite as bad as Saracen, it’s pretty damn bad.  We don’t have a grandmother with dementia to look after, just a city known for its lifelessness, joblessness, and general emptiness. What we do share with Matt, is the sense of abandonment, the sense of nobody else giving a shit about us, the feeling that something might really be wrong with us.

First it was Michael Vick.  He left us for prison.  Then it was Andruw Jones, he left us for obesi-er-mediocrity. Now hockey star Ilya Kovalchuk is leaving us, headed to New Jersey after refusing to accept the highest contract ever offered to an impending free agent, effectively murdering hockey in Atlanta. That’s right, a star player wants to leave Atlanta even after receiving the highest monetary offer allowable, as well as the largest in the history of his sport. What is wrong with us?

Now, the anxieties and nail-biting will shift to the Atlanta Spirit ownership group’s other impending star departure, as the Hawks’ Joe Johnson is set to be an unrestricted free agent this summer.  While he hasn’t outright said yet that he’d prefer to leave, Joe turned down a 4 year, $60 Million offer to stay in Atlanta past this summer, and plans to enter free agency. Joe came here 5 years ago because he wanted to be here, and now, after enjoying much individual and team success, it looks like the four-time All-Star might be primed to leave. What is wrong with us?

Sure, Chipper Jones is still here, and Brian McCann and Matt Ryan have long-term deals in place that will keep them here for another decade.  But in the city where its custom to expedite franchise players for .40 on the dollar, where star QBs go to Federal Prison for dog-fighting, our coach leaves for a second-rate SEC school in the middle of the season, and franchise players turn down maximum contract offers, the Matt Saracen in every Atlantan wonders if, or when, they might leave us too.

Recruiting wrap-up

The continued dominance of the Southeastern Conference over the college football landscape extended to another national signing day, with three schools finishing in Rivals’ top five, and five total in the top ten.  It’s a tough world in the SEC, where the cannibalistic nature of schools stealing each other’s recruits can cause quite the emotional outpouring from fan bases, and even players.

However, while ESPN.com’s recruiting service cannot stop salivating over Urban Meyer’s “record-setting” class, which includes 17 of the site’s Top 150 players, Rivals lists the Gators class at a close second, behind USC.  Lane Kiffen closed impressively on NSD, but according to ESPN, it was only enough to finish at #7 in it’s top 25.

How can Florida’s haul be considered head and shoulders above everyone by ESPN, enough to call the difference “staggering”, while at the same time  listed behind that of USC’s on Rivals? And how can Rivals rank the Trojans class at the top ,while ESPN doesn’t even have it in the top five? It’s a curious discrepancy that highlights the inherent flaw in recruiting rankings.  These are completely subjective assessments of how 17 and 18-year old kids will perform at the next level, assessments that even the highly-paid coaches often get wrong.

So Dawg fans, (and Vols fans, and Tigers fans, and all other fans who are upset about falling out of the top five), remember that these recruiting services rarely know what they are talking about, and only time will tell whether you missed out on the next Hershel or the next headache. For every 5-star “blue-chip” recruit who flames out, there’s an unheralded 2 or 3-star waiting in the wings, ready to prove the “experts” wrong.

Two notable unintentional comedy moments from ESNPU’s recruiting special:

• Robert Smith and Tom Luginbill getting sociological on us when trying to explain the SEC’s recent dominance in recruiting. Smith, an Ohio State product, pointed to the failing economies of the rust-belt as a sign that football talent was “reverse-migrating” to the south. I don’t know about you, but I go to ESPNU for all my socioeconomic discourse.
• An unbelievably awkward interview with Florida State signee Bjoern Werner, a defensive-line prospect from Connecticut by way of Germany.  The highlight is at the 3:45 mark of this video, where he attempts to do the Tomahawk Chop, and ends up just creeping everyone out:  

Yezzzzirrrr!

Examining the best and worst of sports announcing

We’re a society that loves lists.  ”Who are the most desirable woman alive?” “What are the most Ridiculous Toys Ever Made?”  As if these lists could somehow give us a definitiveindex on where everyone stands on these pressing issues.

While these lists can be fun to read, and provide fodder for discussion, they all too often fail to address the crucial element of subjectivity.

Here’s a countdown of the top 25 football announcers, whether play-by-play or analyst, according to Sporting News and the Sports Business Journal.  They list Gary Danielson number one, citing his ability to tell us what is happening “before we see it” and cites his great knowledge of the game.  While it may be true that Danielson knows much about football, this list fails to take into consideration other crucial factors that make a good announcer.  Things like “Does this guy make me want to staple my ears shut every weekend?” “Does this guy make more than 3 original observations per game, or does he hammer home the same handful of talking points for 4 straight hours?” “Has he ever pointed out something I didn’t already realize, or was about to realize in a few seconds anyway?”

This is why such lists are stupid.  Why try to categorize something that is entirely subjective?  Who cares that Gary Danielsen knows a lot about football?  That shouldn’t make him qualified to tell me about it, right?

The main criteria by which an on-air commentator should be judged is what I call the Wake-Up Test. If I had to have this guy follow me for  an entire day, from the time I wake up, to the time I go to sleep, narrating and breaking down the day’s action as it comes, how long could I take it before wanting to change the channel (Read: bludgeon) on him? If we removed these ex-jocks and motor mouths from the booth, and inserted them into real life situations, how would they hold up?  Do they possess the basic communication skills to present information as it comes in a manner that is both pleasing to my ear and not overly annoying?

For instance, if Gary Danielson were by my bed tomorrow morning and were to start speaking the second my alarm first rings, he wouldn’t last past the first snooze cycle.

“I’m not so sure if this alarm is the one that’s gonna wake him up, Verne, I know it looks like he’s going for the wake-up, but it’s a fake!  I’ve watched the tape of his previous mornings, and he’s had a tendency to hit snooze a couple times. Watch him hit snooze here, I bet he hits snooze, I’m not so sure if he’s not gonna hit snooze here, Verne!  It’s a fake Verne, he’s gonna hit snooze, watch.  Here.  Watch.  Watch for the snooze press, did you see him press snooze….Riiiiight, there! Pause it. Pause it right there! He hits snooze! Did you see that, Verne? You see him hit snooze?” (As I go back to sleep, Verne Lundquist scoffs incredulously at Gary’s brilliant ability to predict the future.)

If I held ESPN college basketball “analyst” (and I use this term loosely, like, as loose as my pants would be if I borrowed a pair from Shaq) Dick Vitale up to the Wake-Up Test, he might get past my alarm clock, my eating of cereal and maybe even my drinking of copious amounts of coffee, but around the time of my morning poop, he’d be out.

“NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL A DIAPER DANDY BABY! THAT SHIT WAS AWESOME WITH A CAPIT–Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh my face! I’ve been stabbed! I NEED A MEDIC, BABY!  OR A POEM BY J.J. REDICK, BABY!”

Yeah, no thanks to Dicky V.

Jon Gruden of Monday Night Football would almost last an entire day, before his overly enthusiastic praise of even the most menial tasks would begin to grate on me. 

“Guys, I tell you what.  This guy is really SOMETHIN’ you know that? This guy sets up his DVR list, like NOBODY ELSE on a COUCH right now!  Are you KIDDIN’ ME? It’s an absolute PRIVILEGE to watch this guy operate the clicker on a daily basis!”

Thanks for the kind words Gruden, but you’d say that about anyone.  You can’t open your mouth without verbally fellating whoever’s in front of you.

If it ever actually came down to putting The Wake-Up Test to practice, the only choiceany self-respecting sports fan could make is CBS’s Gus Johnson.  You may know Gus as the Man Who Yells A Lot, but he’s also the guy who should be the top choice for all NFL and college basketball games.  (The reason he’s not? Network execs have no idea what fans actually want.) Gus makes everything that happens slightly more awesome.  He’s there to serve, not to pander.  He doesn’t point out things you already know, he doesn’t pretend he’s doing a radio broadcast and over narrate the action, (“Point guard passes to the post, Center posts up, he dribbles, dribbles, dribbles, he’s still dribbling.  He passes back out to the guard, dribbles, dribbles…still dribbling, he almost passes it to another guy…still dribbling, some other guys run around, he almost passes it again, he shoots, he scores! 2 points on the board”) and, most importantly, he makes you feel like he’s excited to be there, probably because he is legitimately excited to be there.

Could you imagine Gus narrating even the most nerve-wracking elements of your everyday life?  Here’d be Gus as you navigate rush-hour traffic on I-285:

“The exit is approaching fast, he MUST GET OVER soon…. There are dozens of cars in the adjacent lane, but he needs to get over and find that on-ramp…. He’s checking his rear-view, he starts to accelerate and turns the wheel, and this is it! 1 MILE TO GO! … He’s been awesome.  He hits his blink-KEEEEEEEERRR…… Gets it, OOOOAAAAAHHHHHHHH! * Aaaand we’re, goin’ ta Dunwoody!  Ha-Hahhhh! RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!  This… Is… The correct exit!”*

The same list that named Gary Danielson football’s best broadcaster listed Gus at 24. The aforementioned Verne Lundquist, who is about 30 years past his prime, checks in at number 8.  It’s almost like they made the list in reverse order.  There is no way Gary n’ Verne could ever beat out Gus Johnson in a Best Announcers list if we include the Wake-Up Test in our criteria.  There’s just no possible way.  Which is why such lists are stupid.  Why should we care if a guy is an “expert” on the sport if he fails to make us not hate him while doing it?  The ability to not come across as a smug, self-important, blowhard should count for something, right? Gus Johnson, ladies and gentlemen, is the best commentator in sports right now.  He would easily pass the Wake-Up Test, and I’d beg him to be back the next morning.

* This is Gus’s trademark yelp.  The only correct way to spell it is however the fuck you want.  Johnson’s greatest attribute is his ability to go from audible to inaudible in less than a second.

*  I followed the blueprint from Johnson’s legendary call on this play from the 2006 NCAA Tournament. I resisted the urge to go with this classic Gusism because it was just too easy.